first time

Tell us about some of the things you experienced for the first time in 2010.


playing electric guitar (no ... really)
golden tail shiraz
singing lead
cannoli
texting (again ... really)
iphone fun
level II therapy
having my finger tattooed
being a bookseller
fish sauce

goodbye tree

this Christmas is going down in the records as one of the best in my memory.  I cannot even really say why, in particular.  maybe it was just cool to see it through the eyes of my teenagers.  they are starting to appreciate my traditions and the quirky ways we celebrate.  this year, for example, I decided to literally put every single ornament I own on my tree, regardless of colour. 
pure awesomeness.
it was exactly what I wanted.
the boys didn't have a lot of "wants" and that helped, too.
we were all just content to hang out with each other, with friends, eat much and work little.  I loved every second of it.

I will admit, though, that I am sick of hearing the cats drinking out of the water bowl meant for the tree.  gross.

so, goodbye tree ... hello new spot for my favourite blue chair.

out with the old ...

What's your biggest Life responsibility right now, and how are you handling it?

phew. 
I have barely even begun to process it let alone talk about it much.  It isn't going to be easy.  It's actually going to take a lot of my time and energy, as it already has up to this point, only now I won't be doing it just on instinct with a lot of guess work thrown in.  No.  Now I know things and that helps me change.  Here is our diagnosis:

mildly gifted
nonverbal learning traits
likely aspergers

Let's just say I am really really thankful that I was lead to study NILD educational therapy.  I am also glad that I decided that not all testing is a bad thing; in fact, testing is most helpful in a myriad of ways.  I know for a fact that the parents of my clients are visibly relieved, and tell me so, when they learn that I've been through it, too, and I do, in fact, understand.  Like those tv ads for hair growth for men "I'm not only the hair club president, I'm also a client!"

This coming year has my schedule as full as ever and I am both in awe of how it has all come together and excited like it's always the night before Christmas.  I love the challenge.  I love the hours preparing.  I love my job.

bring it.

gifting

What's the best gift you've ever received? What's the worst?

the best gift ever?  that is tons of pressure, especially since I like prezzies of all kinds.  all the time, anywhere.  I do wonder whether my response to gifts is adequate, but I'll risk it being either too much or too little in any case. 
love presents!
agonize over giving presents.  I always go with my gut when making purchases, then instantly question my judgement.
I am a treasure.

I think one of my best gifts ever is something I regretfully no longer have.  I got wigged out once, going through my things a few years ago, and decided there was too much emotionally attached to the gift to keep it.  I have tried to find a replacement but to no avail. memories will have to do.

the worst gift ever isn't something that I can write here either, but let me tell you one thing I seriously dislike:
putting something lame in a bag from a store that is on my top ten favourite stores list so that I will initially respond with glee because I mistakenly think that the gift inside is, obviously, from the store which the packaging represents. 

and the most unfortunate thing is that my face will give it away every time.  no matter how hard I try to keep things inside my head, my expressions take it, so I can forget ever being a poker queen or passing a lie detector test.

not very pertinent, but nice to know, nonetheless.

christmas eve

not my best call in life

What's the fastest you've ever driven, where, and why?

yikes.
I was on the way home from a week away in Waterloo and really anxious to just.get.home.already.
I did glance at the speedometer at one point, noticed I was doing 146 in a 90 and decided to slow down in a bit.
I got to 125 in an 80 when the officer saw me, and did a happy spin in the dirt to show me his fancy, flashing lights.
that's that moment when you say "crap" and bring your car to a stop, grabbing the stuff you know he's coming to ask you for, and reconcile yourself to the inevitable.
almost 20 years without a ticket.

could have been way worse.

really?

How are you interesting?

let me count the ways.  for starters, here are the things in my purse, temporarily displayed for your viewing pleasure.

also, I am a former homeschooling mom, turned private tutor (though I have been tutoring since second year university so that isn't really a new thing at all), level II educational therapist, bookseller and occasional lounge singer.  those are the things that I "do" that pay money.  there are also a ton of things I "do" that do not pay cash but are definitely rewarding.

I absolutely love/crave hugs but will barely ever initiate one.
I think white is my favourite colour
the number 8 takes it
I wish I played guitar/sang better but I do those things daily anyway
I think, not so secretly now, that I should have been a dancer
I don't like driving

I have a thing for shoes.  and handbags.  and hair.  and eyes.  ok, and clothes.
I never believe I am right ... not all the way at least.
I post first, then immediately edit a minimum of four times
occasionally I will share.

gifties!

a few weeks ago, my boss challenged me to name my top favourite books. 
how many? I asked.
she simply said five ... seven ... ten ... doesn't really matter.
so I began writing and what seemed, initially, a simply task, actually became difficult.  I mean, why am I being asked this?  can I change it down the road, if and when a newer, more fantastic book comes out that replaces one on my current list?  what genre are we talking?  why do I love this particular book?
she laughed and said something like ask a bookseller a simple question about books...

so I listed some.  and yesterday she called me into her office to present me with one of the coolest gifts I have ever seen.  especially since I told a friend a little while ago that what I really wanted was a bracelet.  and so I got one.
and I cried.
cause I'm so like that.

Jane Eyre * Charlotte Bronte
An Object of Beauty * Steve Martin
Silas Marner * George Elliot
My Name is Asher Lev * Chaim Potok
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time * Mark Haddon
The White Deer * James Thurber
Swell Season * Josef Skvorecky
The Incident Report * Martha Baille

if I was a boy

If you had been born the opposite sex, what do you think would be different about your life right now?

well, first off I am pretty sure that girl me would bug the snot out of boy me because I text too much and that makes boy types cranky. I would also have a different job because educational therapists are generally not of the male persuasion, which is kind of too bad.
I would definitely talk a whole lot less in general and eat more and smell kind of "off" at times, I'm guessing (when you share a house with all boys you begin to appreciate being a girl a whole lot).

I doubt I'd be married.
I'd be way too selfish for that.
oh, and I would have a very cool car and a six pack for a stomach for sure cause the chicks dig that.

I'd play guitar, read and travel. I would be a pretty good flirt, of course, because no one judges a man for that. I would also dress really well.

hmmmmm

yep, glad I'm a girl!

All Blues and Hail Mary

that's the name of the song joe henry was playing with over the rhine the night i will never be able to forget.
on my happy anniversary day things were perfect, oh so perfect: blue skies, no wind, snow in all the right places and dry roads for driving. shopping, a little bit of whining (all in good fun) over what i wanted but knew I shouldn't buy but, later, did anyway because life can be really short.
walking in fresh air thinking, feeling, being.
dinner was a surprise, at my favourite hotdog place, Senate.
i would describe what I ate (and how much) but it would seem obscene.
neal had paid the bill and we were just about to leave when he decided to use the men's room.
normally insignificant
i stood at the bar, waiting, enjoying the wine coursing through my body, smiling in the warmth, anticipating the next event.
nothing could have prepared me for what was coming.
you know how sometimes you can be really self absorbed, not paying attention to your surroundings? tonight was one of those nights, but out of the corner of my vision, my left periphery, i noticed the older couple seated in the corner.  i thought how strange they would choose to be eating fancy hotdogs at their age ... they seemed so out of place considering the crowd. i turned away for a time, then surveyed the room again.
his back was to the widow, her arms reaching out to him, leaning desperately over the length of the table, as though hanging on to him for dear life ...
and so she was
as though in a fog, i noticed he was holding his throat, clutching at air, at life; she was clinging to hope.
suddenly he collapsed and I heard someone yell for a call to 911
i couldn't process it all at first then my mind kicked in and i, too, grasped at air, at life, at hope.

i had no idea what to do, so i made myself as small as possible, pressed up against the bar, stretched out my right arm and prayed.
i closed my eyes
i was utterly alone in the crowd
i opened them again and he was lying on the floor, lips and fingers a strange purplish blue
i felt numb as my fingers and toes began to tingle
i caught neal's eyes from across the room and mouthed i don't know what to do

i wanted to leave
to run away and hide
instead i stood, arms now at my side and i prayed
i prayed for mercy, i prayed for grace, i prayed for life, while five minutes down the road there were fireworks
and then i went to a concert

just whisper it

What's the best thing someone could say to you right now, right this minute?

you are doing exactly what you were created to do
and you haven't missed a thing

... except the line of drool under your bottom lip.

snow day number three

feeling a bit of the deja vu now.
I remember the big storm of '76
yes I do!  this doesn't feel the same, but partly because I am no longer 5 and we didn't lose power and now we have internet and dvd's, so being stranded takes on a whole new meaning.  kind of like a vacation you weren't expecting, even though you don't get the much coveted vacation pay that generally accompanies time off work.
boo for that.

this time, also, I did not have a bossy big brother telling me that "yes, kris, the schools ARE open and yes, we do have to keep walking through four feet of snow to get there or we will be marked truant and the principal will be mad and I don't care that you are tired and are crying"
or something like that

memories are tricky things

I do believe that my boys will remember this for a long time to come.  after all, we made the news on more than just a few channels.  sometimes towns with only two stop lights do that.

snow day number two

our county has been issued the "state of emergency" label and the military is coming from Ottawa to help the over 300 stranded vehicles along the 402.  I have been extremely busy eating, staying in my pajamas, reading books and watching movies.  tough job.
hopefully they re-open the roads so I can go to work tomorrow, but for today?  you know what they say: all work and no play makes jack a dull boy.

check it out?

skeletons in my closet

What's one thing about your body that's secretly concerning you/freaking you out right now?


hahahaha!
yah, right ... I'm not touching that one.
plus, it wouldn't be very secret then, would it.
I will, however, recap a recent phone call I had with my mom that went very nearly like this:

mom: so, what are you getting done Thursday?
me: well, I haven't seen the final drawing yet, but we left our artist with a skeleton drawing and we talked about it for a long time.
mom: (a hint of raised eyebrow in her voice) so ... what is the significance of the skeleton that you are getting?
me: MOM ... a skeleton drawing, as in not containing a lot of detail, not a skeleton tattoo ... sheesh!  you are seriously the least judgemental person on the face of this earth, though, just to know.
mom: laughing hysterically.  well, I wanted to support you in whatever you are doing and I just figured there must be a reason my daughter is having a skeleton tattooed on her arm.
me: yah, because that is exactly what I would do.

wordless weekend

i'm grateful ... and i want

so for three long days i believed i had a computer problem.
finally asked for help
and there is NO WAY i am going to admit to what the "problem" really was.
suffice it to say, i am able to blog again and the "fix" cost only my pride.
moving right along:

Name three things you're grateful for, and then three things you want in your life.

i am grateful for memories
and technology
and love

i want true, deep contentment
and confidence
and more love

I don't think so

Are you a competitive person or not? What helps you refocus and/or work harder when you find yourself slacking off?

competitive?  oh yah, baby ... in some ways.  in most situations, I am completely happy for the other person and whatever awesomeness befalls them.  for real. 
and when I find myself slacking off?
I say aaaall riiiiight

and then I usually eat chips.

he that has ears, let him hear

Which of your senses means the most to you?

most definitely hearing: 'hearing' my own thoughts, reading the thoughts of others, writing, lyrics/sounds of music and the ability it has to captivate me unlike anything else ever has.
I am constantly recording bits of paragraphs and sentences that for one reason or another speak to me.  sometimes they are deep, profound words that convict me, encourage me or make me 'feel' something inside.  other times they are nonsense, totally useless fragments of ideas and I just like the rhythm or cadence of them, strung together in a row.  sometimes I just think about the way certain words roll off my tongue and, so, will stay with me for that reason alone.

I love concerts
I love the sound of a baby laughing
I love the voices that belong to my friends
I love to soak in sound, let it envelop me, invade me, surround me, move me.

I would hate to lose my sight, in actuality, more, but words ... they just 'do it' for me.
Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit.

oh, so true.

wordless weekend

once again the weekend

I've started writing again though I haven't penciled a word
it's more a feeling I have
have been feeling for a few weeks now
like waking again after a long and unexpected nap
the kind of sleep you didn't think you were going to succumb to
that calm before the creative storm

I have no idea what it will look like
or sound like
or how it might make me feel
but I know it's coming
and for now, that's all I need to know
and that makes everything bearable

today

the prompt for today didn't speak to me.  maybe I'm just too fond of animals ... couldn't think of a single one I'd like to wipe off the face of the earth, supposing I had that kind of clout. 
no, today I'm feeling rather contemplative.  I have some student related things to go through and it is very rewarding but tiring.  there is a lot of paperwork involved and my brain gets a huge workout, flipping back and forth through manuals, analyzing data, wanting to be right in my "diagnosis" stuff.

wanting to be right.

that may very well be my biggest struggle.  it causes much fear and angst at times.  I know it's impossible to be right every single time, in every single situation, yet the desire to be so (or at least appear so?) burns at my core.  Is it simply because I desire approval?  Not sure that's it, because, frankly, sometimes I don't care if we disagree.  I think we can still choose to be friends.  I think that is precisely what makes life interesting.  sometimes I will choose to read a book, for example, for no other reason than because you say you hated it.  I have to know why.

so many questions I'm dying to ask ...

today I am thinking of several friends of mine who are going through really hard things.  things they didn't choose.  things they have no control over.  things they cannot change. 

I wish I could help. 

danger, Will Robinson!

What's the most dangerous thing you've ever done?


well, danger is not really my middle name, so at first it was hard not to just come up with "what's the most stupid thing you've ever done?" and in that case, I don't have enough room here to fill you all in.  seriously.  I have done some ultra mega stupid things in my life.  I wish I didn't have to admit that.

I guess to some, tattooing could be considered a dangerous thing.  I suppose if you don't investigate the tattoo artist or their shop/tools, it could be seen as dumb.  I let my doctor know, first, though, so I'm good.
I read somewhere online that a bad piercing could lead to infection that would go to your brain, so maybe getting my nose done was dangerous.  It hardly feels like it.  Neal took pictures, so I know exactly what she did when I wasn't looking.  No, piercing isn't dangerous.  Not even the ones I did myself can count for that (possibly see above, initial category for those three).

I guess the most dangerous thing I've ever done is selling prit near everything I had amassed over fifteen years and taking a job as a missionary teacher overseas, where malaria (typhoid, dengue fever, tuberculosis and cholera) is endemic.  I'm allergic to antibiotics, you see.  Not knowing the language could have been a bit disconcerting as well, since you kind of need that, especially if you are really in danger.  But when I look back on the whole thing, while I feel deep sadness for what I know I am missing, never once did I feel like I was in any kind of danger. 

You'll have to be the judge.

sans eyes, sans teeth, sans everything

If you could stop your body from aging at any point in your life, what age would you want to stay at and why?

My first thought was 28 ... but I have no real deep memories from that age, so perhaps that is just because it starts with 20 and ends with my favourite number.  That was back in 1999.  (painful to write)

So my next choice would be right stinking now.  I had a physical, did routine bloodwork and everything came back fine just fine.  Apparently I still look younger than I really am, so I would love to hold on to that forever.  I do not like aging.  I could not ever imagine myself working in an old age home, either.  I do like having teenagers ... they keep me young.  When my boys are gone from this house, I have no idea how I will stay in touch with the young people. 

I can still stay up ridiculously late and function the next day ... usually.  I still like cool music.  I dress young enough and I guess that's mostly what trips people up.  I have my tattoos and my piercings, a hair colour I really like and financially I cannot complain.  I have friends all over the world, literally, and thanks to the internets I can keep in touch with almost all of them. 

so maybe 28 wasn't so fantastic.
maybe staying "here" is just fine and dandy.
I must be growing up.