maybe I'll write it

i thought i would google the word maybe for my last maybe post of may. thought something brilliant would appear.
i think i thought too much of google

first song that came up is by ingrid michaelson. didn't care for the lyrics too much, though it sounded ok.
try again
next one was by sick puppies. i should have known just by the title of the band but to be fair, i tried.
wow
suck o rama

maybe tomorrow, when i'm done everything else i have to do, i'll sit down with martin and give it a try myself.
it's been a bit since i've written.
maybe i'm due.
maybe this was the nudge i've been waiting for.

maybe

happy birthdays!

who's gonna ride your wild horses

what was the last song you listened to?

you're dangerous cause you're honest
you're dangerous, you don't know what you want
well you left my heart empty as a vacant lot
for any spirit to haunt

hey hey sha la la
hey hey

you're an accident waiting to happen
you're a piece of glass left there on the beach
well, you tell me things I know you're not supposed to
then you leave me just out of reach

hey hey sha la la
hey hey sha la la

who's gonna ride your wild horses
who's gonna drown in your blue sea
who's gonna ride your wild horses
who's gonna fall at the foot of thee

ah ha, the deeper I spin
oh the hunter will sin for your ivory skin
took a drive in the dirty rain
to a place where the wind calls your name
under the trees the river laughing at you and me
halleluiah, heaven's white rose, the doors you open
I just can't close

don't turn around, don't turn around again
don't turn around, your gypsy heart
don't turn around, don't turn around again
don't turn around, and don't look back
come on now love, don't you look back

who's gonna ride your wild horses
who's gonna drown in your blue sea
who's gonna taste your salt water kisses
who's gonna take the place of me

dramatic, maybe

no need to be so dramatic

I used to always say that I hate drama.
not the on stage kind, but the real life, day to day stuff that some people bring to the table, consistently. that drama I don't care for
and yet, I am that person sometimes.

I've been told

imagine, for example, you find out that someone you love is moving far away and they call you to tell you, hoping you will be as excited as they are but somehow you end up saying things that get twisted the wrong way in their delivery. the next thing you know, you are saying the opposite of how you feel ... what you want to say isn't said at all.

I saw a show tonight.
I love live theatre, especially where mix ups and meddling take place until all is well again, and true love finds itself exactly where it was meant to.
I have always imagined myself on stage in the middle of a completely heart-wrenching scene, where I get to full out bawl ... and you can hear a pin drop when I am done.
I'm not really sure why. I must be dramatic.

tonight, though, there were no tears to take me captive, but one simple, well delivered line. it isn't about how you started out, but how you finish that matters.


I had some heavy conversation today.
I needed to hear that line.

maybe you should read it

What was the last really great book you read?

I am almost ashamed to admit that I only now read The Help. I knew I wanted to read it, but wanting to and actually doing it are two very different things.
The book was amazing, fantastic and one that I immediately loaned out to a good friend.
As a matter of fact, this book became a good friend while I was reading it.

Set in Mississippi, in 1962, Skeeter, the white daughter of a plantation owner, finds herself captivated by a story that was never told; one that could very well bring death to any that help in the telling. Aibileen and Minny, two black maids, eventually agree to lend Skeeter their lives so the tales that must be told are written and published for the town and possibly the whole world to see.

Sometimes rules are meant to be broken.
Sometimes it takes more courage that you think is possible.
and, sometimes, risking it all changes things.

maybe it was perfect after all

i hope you had a splediferous long weekend. i know i did. it started out wierd, with a fog day that kind of seriously made me cranky and ruined my plans but
the weather ended up being amazing
i got only a little burnt
i cut the grass twice and enjoyed it though i initially swore off work of any kind for this weekend
i ate hotdogs, hamburgers AND pizza ... three of my favs
i got to spend some time hanging with some really great friends
and enjoyed some face time thanks to evan sharing his itouch

i don't even have to mind that tomorrow is 'monday' again
because it isn't!

thanks, God, for giving me just a little more time here on this earth.
something tells me i'm not quite done yet

Bono Reacts to the (Non) End of the World

Bono Reacts to the (Non) End of the World

wordless weekend

maybe I should have done that differently

what is your biggest regret this week?

well, it isn't something I actually lived through or had the chance to decide on this particular week of my life, but it is something I brought up in conversation, so I'm counting it.

I have a friend whom I have loved since grade 5. I hardly ever get to see her since we live in different places now, and have for more than twenty years. as an aside, I should totally not be old enough to be able to say that.
in any case, I got to thinking about her wedding and how she sent us an invitation knowing we couldn't possibly attend. I really wanted to. at the time, it seemed impossible ... all the way over in england. how could we afford that?

but only this week did I look at some of the choices I've made in my life, like going to live overseas, or vacationing in the dominican and I sat back and wished we had just said screw it and gone.
I really believe that the money would have come from somewhere
it always has
but now the moment has long since gone
and I really really wish I could have been there

maybe a new cover song

my mom used to listen to the beatles. she tells me she would play the records when she was pregnant with me and when I was growing up. funny thing is, I really don't remember it, but I know a lot of beatles songs, so it must be true.
I definitely remember the album box/sit on it stool filled with all my parent's vinyl. I distinctly remember the way those records smelled, too.
I know that I used to get embarrassed when I would pull out the one with the dark haired lady, wearing a whipped cream dress.
and I would get excited when I saw puff the magic dragon
roger whittaker has been known to escape from my lips, too (usually in the shower and always in french. weird)
simon and garfunkel were there
the rolling stones
classical music, too.
rich, varied, beautiful and definitely part of who I turned out to be.

I have my own meager collection of vinyl but our record player is currently out of service. I also blogged once about my favourite album of ever and how I didn't keep it

and how much I want it back

I might have shared, had you asked ... maybe

dear secretive rhubarb stealer,

thank you ever so much for staying away from my rhubarb patch this year.
Imagine my surprise last spring upon finding rhubarb leaves stashed under the evergreen hedge and my stalks of rhubarb gone, with the exception of three spindly sticks you left behind so the whole lot didn't completely disappear.
It was nice to be able to go out in my own backyard and find my own plants.
If I knew who you were, I might even show you the crisp and bars I am going to bake today.
maybe.

I am guessing, though, that if you spied me just now, harvesting, you would not want to take my rhubarb ever again.
It must have been at least slightly creepy to watch this pale waif of a girl slowly walking in the tall grass wearing a large winter coat, long brown skirt, with witch-like bed head and unbrushed teeth weilding a rather sharp, rather shiny, rather upright cleaver.

It will be nice to find my plants undisturbed again next year.

maybe addictive

wordless weekend

maybe I'll get my posts back

maybe I shouldn't rely so heavily on my computer.
it's not going to kill me to lose the posts I have written since monday, but it would really be hard if I lost all the posts I have ever written.
sometimes I think I should make up a few of those books I've seen my american friends with ... where you pay online to have your blog posts turned into a hardcover book.

then again ...

what I should really do is go cut the front and back lawns, before it starts to rain.
instead, I will experiment with some new cover songs until it's time for me to drive to rehearsal.
(it's important to both know yourself and embrace the truth)

if only

yesterday was a write-off for many reasons.
I wanted to blog, but the thoughts that surfaced I didn't feel like I had the right to print. life is like that sometimes.
so, yesterday, I took a day to keep my thoughts to myself.

I often have blog posts in my head that I know I will never publish. sometimes it's because I imagine a particular person's response,
other times it's because I believe that someone's opinion of me will change (though I personally do not think it ought to).

some things are better left unsaid.

yesterday I figured that if I did write what I was thinking, there would be some judging and I just didn't feel up to it. I am not an apologist. I am not a theologian. I am just a girl who got a little side-swiped when she heard that a good friend's brother is no longer. he was only 37. such tragedy.

I wanted to write an ode, a memory ... something, only I never knew this man personally. but I love some that he also loved and, so, for them, I hurt.

life can be so terribly short.
maybe I should have printed the words in my heart ... if only I did endings

maybe ending

How do you feel about endings?

endings suck.

who wants a favourite book to end? or a flavourful meal? or an awe-inspiring concert?
not me.

sometimes i get overwhelmed by endings before they even arrive. i am working on that ... on enjoying those last few days, hours, minutes before a vacation is done. trying to savour that last morsel of food as nourishment for both body and soul instead of looking at an empty plate and being disappointed.

being thankful in the moment for the moment.

i remember my brother helping me with this very concept a long time ago when i was working helping out at a camp in new york state. the summer had come to an end and it was time to return to canada and experience my first year of university. i no longer remember the exact circumstances surrounding my need to make a decision (do i stay or do i go) but he wisely counselled me to leave while i only had good feelings about the whole thing; not to wait to possibly find that bitter taste in my mouth.

that advice has served me well many times over where endings are concerned.
i hate endings.
i do not "do" endings well
yet everything must eventually come to an end.
and like i quoted before

every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

mom ... no maybe!

I am a mom.
I love that. I am so glad that things turned out the way they did, even if nothing was "planned".
kids are awesome in every way. seriously.
like, for example, they really help make the time fly by.
one minute, you are changing diapers, the next minute you are helping them think about life after high school. at least it seemed to fly by for me.
and they constantly compare me to things that are, apparently, ancient, not seeming to realize that all these antiques are actually younger than me.

thankfully, I still have both of my boys living at home so I have, Lord willing, a few more years to be sarcastic, laugh a ton, cry a bit and just generally marvel at these two young men, wondering how I got to be so blessed.

they are both way taller than me now. that seemed to happen overnight, too. and man can they eat.

and they both enjoy great music and appreciate fantastic literature. this makes me insanely proud.
there are some things I never thought I would hear myself say to them, though, or hear out of their mouths, for example:

me: Jonam, come over here, quick ... I need you to light something on fire for me

Evan: I need to buy some short shorts

good times
always

wordless weekend

maybe beginning

do you like new beginnings?

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

love new beginnings

live for new beginnings

attempt to create them at every opportunity

yes ... maybe

today's prompt asked what the hardest decision was that I have ever had to make. I have had to make quite a few hard decisions in my life.
I hate making decisions.
for real.
I already wrote about having a decision making tree in my yard and how ridiculously happy that would make me.
so far it has not shown up.
as a matter of fact, I have a plant in my garage right at this moment that has not been watered for almost two weeks, so even if I had a decision making tree, it would likely wither away from neglect.
a green thumb I would appear not to have.

a decision to make, however, I do.
and I am finding it difficult because there are so many factors (aren't there always?) and I have come to believe that, for the most part, God allows me to choose freely and neither decision would be considered a poor choice.

I really used to believe that there was only one thing I was created to be and do and that I needed to discover that one thing as swiftly as possible so as not to disturb the proper order of my life.

maybe, what I actually need is a tree that displays clear, unmistakable signs.

maybe next year

maybe tomorrow

maybe tomorrow, I'll leave this day behind
and maybe then, I'll sing a new song for you
and we'll mull over coffee and the movie we just saw
while you go on about your job
I'll criticize the songs they play on the radio

and the rain will fall my way
when I can tell you all about what I did today
and the wind will have blown my way
when you are here with me

maybe tomorrow night we'll go out
and paint the town red
or maybe blue
that depends on you my dear
and we'll allow the pace
of these days to pass us by
while you complain about L.A.
I'll tell you that I think I've figured Jesus out

and the rain will fall my way
when I can tell you all about what I did today
and the wind will have blown my way
when you are here with me

and we'll mull over coffee
and the movie we just saw
while you go on about your job
i'll criticize the songs they play,
the songs that they play

and the rain will fall my way
when I can tell you all about what I did today
and the wind will have blown my way
when you are here with me

favourite subject

I have to say that I didn't have only one favourite subject in school, but two, being art and english.
I actually also really truly loved math (you always know when you are right) and science but they just didn't connect with me in reality.
music was something I also wanted to pursue but I am terrible with it. I just plain don't "get" it.
biology was really cool but my marks didn't reflect my enthusiasm so I dropped it after grade 11.
I tried astronomy in university but was failing miserably by christmas break. someone told me, emphatically, that the professor was explaining everything through physics in an attempt to weed out those who didn't care about his class and that if I would just hold on to the end, I would pass for sure.

lies

I have a big, fat, F on my transcript to prove it. and I totally tried hard in that class. I even paid two different tutors. I just suck at science. too bad ... I dig bill nye.

I wanted to do french, too, but I only started learning it in grade 7 cause that's just how it went in my hometown. by the time grade 9 came around, my teacher told me that she would pass me on the condition that I promise to never take french again. harsh. I have been told that my accent is actually pretty good, just don't expect me to put the few words I know together in a complete sentence. the grammar killed me.

math got axed after taking general level grade 10 while I was in grade 11 ( I failed grade 9 advanced because I told my teacher I couldn't come in for extra help at lunch since I was already going in for help with music theory. one day, my math teacher found me in the front hall eating a long john donut, during my "music help time" and I was subsequently "busted")

I remember sitting in the guidance office, looking at a bullseye poster showing all the job opportunities I was letting go of by not taking math. you can imagine how much I cared. why be like everyone else? I knew that taking further maths and sciences was only going to bring my grade average down and I had my sights set on a university degree, so I let go of what didn't fit and, instead, took every literature, art, history and social sciences course available.

maybe, just maybe, it was all part of the plan.

wordless weekend