soul-searching

it has been such a long time since I have posted ... but that is what is supposed to happen when you are on a vacation from church and regular life.  not a bad thing, just a new thing ... and one that is teaching me more than I thought possible.

I have been spending an enormous amount of time on the beach pondering (and burning a little, but not metaphorically ... literally).  this afternoon I was searching through one of my husband's reads when I came across this, and it spoke volumes to me.

Entry # 14  On Becoming Human

I've come to love that word - human.  I mean, humanity can be a pretty bleak place to live, but when you begin to see what we're really capable of, our potential for good, it can be breathtaking.  For the past two thousand years, Christianity, along with pretty much every other world religion, has made the primary focus the sinful nature of us all.  In some ways I think this has lead to a not-so-subtle self-hatred.

I have been mulling this idea over for some time without actually realizing it until I read it on paper.  I think that is the reason I write poetry and music ... to, in a sense, discover what is in the deepest regions of my soul as I see it materialize through the ink or in the chords.  It sounds crazy to hear that I cannot always know what I am thinking ... I am myself, after all, but it is true that I don't know the whole piece until it comes out.  Then I reflect.  And, what I am thinking is not always en vogue ...

take our summer, for example.  we have determined to meet with God in a very un-traditional and counter-culteral way.  we worship every day, but not in a way that makes much sense to some we have told.  that is okay ... we know what we are doing and why we felt pressed to do it, and so far, we are discovering a lot, including who we really are as individuals, as a couple, and as a family.  Some have jokingly told us we are going to suffer for our time away (as if God moved from us when we stopped meeting with him on Sunday, in public).  only this time, I am not listening so hard ... except to Him.

I love this quote from Erwin McManus:
our brokenness is not proof that God could not or would not love us, but proof that what we need is the God who both created us and loved us.  what our souls long to become is not something other than human, but to become beautifully human.

that has slowly become one of the blessings of this summer journey I am on ... letting go of the thoughts of other well-meaning people and clinging instead to the voice of my Maker.  learning to see myself through His eyes, and realizing that to Him (because of Him) I am beautifully human.

how refreshing ...