so, today, as we speak, my man is upstairs sleeping instead of making the money at work. he is stresed to the max with an absolutely awful mouth, cancer sore the size of a dime, other festering cuts lining his tounge and cheeks. this is stress from last week, compounded at the dinner table last Tuesday night when he chose to bite the inside of his cheek over a potato.
it had me on my proverbial knees yesterday afternoon, while the boys had a basketball class at the local community centre. sometimes paying someone else to teach your kids is a fantastic thing.
so I am slowly working my way through the Blessing Handbook, by Terry R. Bone who none of you will have heard of because he is from Southwestern Ontario and that is ok. In his second chapter, he talks about missed blessings ... an emotional deficit children carry into adulthood due to a failure on the parent's part to impart the affirmation we all know everyone needs. my inner jury is out still on this one. there was a time for reflection and prayer at the end of the chapter, and I asked Father to reveal to me any unmet need for blessing in my life. nothing. crickets chirping. I just don't buy into the victim mentality ... even though I have many a reason to.
1. my mom worked full time even though, precocious as I ONCE was, I begged her not to leave. I begged her to babysit instead. I would even tell her to leave my lunch in the fridge, what toys I would ONLY play with, what shows on tv I would ONLY watch, and assured her I would NEVER turn the stove on, open the door or answer the phone. no avail. but I am truly over it.
2. my dad was an alcoholic and not entirely involved in our lives. not that he did not love us, he just didn't know how. we all live by example, and if the example isn't there, well, you do the best you can with what you know. plus he is British ... need I say more? I had a talk with him many years ago about how I was needing his forgiveness for not honouring him as my dad, and he apologized for not being the dad he could see, now, that I had needed. I don't regret my childhood or bemoan what it "could have been". sometimes you need to see the silver lining, even if it takes 38 years of a faithful mother's prayers.
3. my dad was diagnosed with cancer of the lung and brain only a few years ago, just as he has come to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ. that could make me really bitter or sad, but it doesn't. my dad helped me through the initial shock and sadness and now we are all just in awe of his healing thus far.
4. one of my best friends moved over 25 hours away, and had her fourth baby without me. my other best friend had the joy of announcing her 7th pregnancy to me. this is all good, right? except I cannot seem to know the happiness of a larger family, and there is no apparant medical reason for this. we were also rejected when we tried to adopt three years ago. so I should be really angry with God and finding new friends to comfort me, right? I have been told lately that no one understands how I can be friends with the woman who is pregnant with number 7. it makes no sense. it must be ever so difficult for me. please. maybe I just really don't "get it" but I still have tea with her every thursday, and I still talk to my other friend in saskatchewan ... and when I need to cry, they offer a kleenex. what is so hard about that? they need to cry sometimes, too.
anyway, there is more I could say, but I wanted to end with this, because I wonder if it is connected somehow - to my man and his stress, and to me and my refusal to believe I have missed out on blessings.
chapter 3 of the blessing handbook.
there was a time in his life when Doug's destiny was in question because of a missed blessing ...
My Father died in Vietnam when I was five years old. The last thing I expected was to receive a letter from him 17 years later. But that is what happened one winter day when I was 22 years old.
'Someday, you will have to decide on a career. Many well-meaning people will offer their sincere advice and you will undoubtedly be quite confused. The choide of your life's work is equally as important as choosing a life's mate. Before you can do either, you must decide what you are yourself, as a person. As the years go by, you will soon discover whether you are outward or timid, adventuresome or docile, ambitious or complacent. It is no sin to be one or the other; but it is extremely important that you discover what you are - not what at some moment in life you may think you would like to be.'
life isn't always what we think we need or want it to be, but we can certainly choose how we react to it. could it be that my man is in need of a change of scenery, and all that that entails? and can I possibly decide to accept my family size without having to always like it? is it, perchance, a possibility that adopting the happy heart I expect my kids to sport eventually replaces what seems to be a curse with a blessing? can I really live on the flip side?
I think yes ...
No comments:
Post a Comment